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Baby Boomers’ elders are dying, and the questions are endless.
Who will take care of Mom and Dad? How can I get my parent to put wishes in writing?
What about Dad’s girlfriend? What does hospice do? Where is the Will?
Who is the executor of the Will? What do Mom and Dad want to happen with their stuff?
Does my elderly neighbor’s family mind that I am helping out?
How do you write a eulogy? How does a body get donated to science?
What is green burial? Where is it legal to scatter ashes? What about the pet?
Should there be a memorial service? What is all this going to cost?
Who is going to pay for it? Why does a sibling’s spouse have to get so involved?
(No website is big enough to list all the questions!)
Good to Go, The ABCs of Death and Dying
From Chapter A for Attitude
Home Health Care Tip:
How do you motivate a person to participate in physical therapy? You need to be a very kind, encouraging drill sergeant-type personal trainer!
Audrey DiGiorgio,
Administrator, Continued Care Retirement Community
A physical therapist came over and asked her to squeeze a ball. Mother considered it nonsense. At times like these, her sense of humor clawed its way to the surface. She rolled her eyes and “pulled faces” when the therapist wasn’t looking. After the therapist left for the day, Mom would throw the squeeze ball across the room, and it would land in a corner with a thud. It got a laugh out of me. But, nobody could make her enjoy therapy. It wasn’t worth the hassle.
From Chapter D, Donate Your Body to Science
Donation Information:
Bodies that are donated to science are treated with the utmost respect. Medical students are reminded that each cadaver represents a parent, a teacher, a civil servant, a
coach. Students are given the opportunity to communicate with the family members of the deceased, often by writing a letter of gratitude. The bodies are draped at all times, and only those areas that are under investigation are uncovered. The gift of donation as very much appreciated by all in health care.
Bridget Dunn, MD, Teaching
Physician
One son said he didn’t care what I did with my body and didn’t want to think about it. The other son protested when he learned I had donated myself to science.
“I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that, Mom.”
He was unimpressed that I might end up a crash-test dummy instead of a surgical guinea pig. Cadavers don’t have voices. They end up where they’re needed.
From Chapter F, Let’s Put the Fun Back in Funeral
Funeral Note:
If pallbearers are weak or elderly, a casket is placed on a lawn cart, which can be pushed or guided. That way, very little lifting or carrying is necessary. The funeral
home and cemetery personnel are available for assistance when transferring the casket from the lawn cart to a lowering device.
Larry Tabler, Funeral Director
Pallbearer duties fell on the young men of the family, who carried out their grandfather’s casket and slid it in the hearse.
We got into cars lined up for the procession to the cemetery. Dad’s girl-friend, Ellie, sat beside me. I welcomed the distraction of her friendly chatter.
“I guess they’ll be calling me ‘The Black Widow’ now,” Ellie mused.
“Beg pardon?”
From Chapter H, Hospice
Hospice Quote:
The bedrock of Hospice care is to maintain the patient’s ability to make his or her own decisions. The challenge is keeping support for independence
and control balanced with safety and comfort. Many in-home hospice patients reach a point when they need someone with them at all times to avoid falls, over or under medicate, and see to personal care. If neither family member nor trusted friend is available, hospice can arrange for the person to be moved to a nursing home where the
hospice team continues to provide care. Some hospices have dedicated inpatient residences for this level of care.
Jennifer Ballentine, Manager of Professional Programs,
Colorado Hospice Organization
The nurse examined her. “It looks like she’s taken a fall. See her puffy lip? Did she fall?”
Not that I knew of.
To her patient, the nurse said, “Ruthie, did you fall down last night?”
“Her feet are swollen, too. Let’s get them elevated,” the nurse said to me.
Ruth was too out of it to say much. She had over-medicated herself. The nurse said it was likely she had fallen when no one else was there and didn’t remember it or maybe didn’t want to admit it, for fear of losing her independence.
From Chapter L, Dying While Doing Something You Love
Estate Planning Tip:
Adult children might try maneuvering to protect their interests when their parent develops a new love interest. If the parent is competent and the deceased spouse did not
set things up to prevent the surviving spouse from transferring assets, there isn’t a lot children can do.
John N. McNamara, Jr., Attorney
Dad met his girlfriend at the senior center. Ellie probably motivated Dad to live as long as he did. She kept him going. He danced with Ellie (as best he could with those aching knees). He even drove at night. Those two were inseparable, like teenagers in love for the first time.
Not all of his daughters were comfortable with this at first.
“I don’t want another woman around Mother’s things,” one of us worried aloud.
From Chapter P, If You Love Your Loved Ones, Pre-Plan
A Trustworthy Tip from Jo:
Non-family members caring for a friend can avoid problems by sharing knowledge about hidden money or valuables with the person entrusted to handle the business affairs of
the friend.
My friend, Ruthie, showed me another larger stack of bills she had “hidden” in a zippered bank-issued clutch bag that was nestled inside a pile of papers and legal pads on her desk--$3,000 at least. In cash!
I pirated her trustee’s number from his business card on her kitchen table and called him on my way home.
“Mark? I’m a friend of your client, Ruth. She’s got a stash of hundred-dollar bills in her house, and I thought somebody else should know besides me.”
“See if you can get her to put it in the bank.”
“Right-o.”
But, ohhhh, no. Ruth needed that cash for emergencies, she said. It made me uncomfortable because if she misplaced it, I was the prime suspect.
She misplaced it. I was the prime suspect.
From Chapter R, Respect the Family Unit
Therapist’s Tip:
It’s good to be direct and “stick to your guns” in this situation.
Vickie Kearney, MA, LPC
During the first few days I was cleaning at Dad’s house, my brother-in-law, Bob, called with a proposal. How about I join him at his work and help him out? Then, after I returned to Colorado, he would clean out Dad’s house.
Seconds of silence ticked by until, with forced composure, I informed him that I would clean out my own Dad’s house. “That’s why I’m here, Bob. That’s what I’m going to do.”
From Chapter S is for Surprises
Police Blotter:
Clever hiding places 1. Diaper pails. A good plastic bag and a couple layers of junior’s business will generally deter the cleverest thief. 2. A snarly dog’s
doghouse. Hide valuables or cash there, unless the dog himself might eat it!
Captain Parris Bradley, Criminal Investigations Commander
During “clean out weekend at Aunt Addy's,” we flipped through every page of every book on every bookshelf, because that’s where Uncle Burke was notorious for hiding hundred-dollar bills.
Burke was notorious for a lot of things, including his money belt crammed with hidden cash, his off-shore bank accounts, and his money bags buried in odd and interesting places. No hundred-dollar bills floated from pages we flipped in the books at Addy and Burke’s house during the work-weekend. But my sister discovered something mysterious.